Sunday, July 27, 2014

The Spirit I Knew as Jan

My friend made her transition in early June. The loss devastated me in many ways. I was lost for a little bit, afraid and lonesome. Then the universe opened up to me. The following is my memorial to Jan. I miss her but I now see. I will always love, Jan.

My friend Jan made her transition June 11, 2014. My reaction that day was strong pain, tears of sorrow and wondering what was I suppose to do now, my mentor was out of reach. That day I was inconsolable. I have been told that being selfish during grief is human and to experience the feelings and honor my feelings. Now I can move forward and share with you my friend the ‘Spirit Known as Jan’.

Jan was joyful, beautiful, intelligent, worldly, and kind. I shared with Jan that I had become the insect disposer at work. Her reaction was “Oh, Teresa don’t kill them. Tell me you are not killing the bugs?” My vegetarian concerned with all beings in our world the consummate giver of unconditional love and peace to all beings human and other. This was my friend. I don’t think I will ever look at a bug or anything the same way after my short experience with Jan.

My Mother and I spent the Sunday afternoon before her transition with Jan. I will forever be happy for that time. She let me teach her how to build folders using Windows 7. She giggled with joy as she successfully transported files into folders. We talked and visited for 4 hours that day, during the time the subject went to her transition. Selfishly I told her she couldn't go she had too much to teach me. I changed the subject looking around her apartment wanting to ask questions about this and that. I have hundreds of questions.

When I began to receive the calling to become a minister Jan was the second person I told. I trusted her with my secrets, my loves, my joys, my pains and all things I about myself. Jan understood me. The subject came up once about super powers. A few days later after contemplation and meditation I proclaimed my super power was love. She was thrilled and agreed but she shared there was so much more to me. Jan saw all my possibilities, she encouraged me, loved me and cherished me. She kept reminding me, when life attacked that I was called to be a minister. Jan believed in me.

Jan never scolded or corrected me. I went to her with a trouble, something that had wounded me deeply. Jan had me create a list of the things that brought me joy. There was no particular order to the list just a list of things that brought me joy. I brought the list to her and I was laughing upon review my husband was not on my quickly made list. Jan brought to my attention that I had not included myself on the list either. “Do you not give yourself joy?” Jan asked me. I don’t think I answered that question, but it gave me so much to consider. I am taking steps to enjoy just being me.

The very last memory I have of Jan is beautiful. I realized how late is was our visit had lasted 4 hours. My husband would be looking for me, dinner was not ready and oh boy was I going to be late. Jan said, “I am really glad you joined the choir. I love your voice and energy up there. You know my kids begged me not to sing. I don’t have the breath control and just can’t sing, but I dated an opera singer for a time and he taught me how to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ in staccato.” Jan sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to me as I left. I was serenaded by my friend the sound was beautiful. Her face smiling beaming in joy.

Jan’s love overflowed her physical being in her human form. Her spirit filled the room with laughter and joy. June the eleventh I thought, I was afraid, her spirit was gone that I would never experience her again. I was wrong. My memories bring her to me. The wisdom she shared with me is always with me. Her jokes, teasing remarks and unconditional love for me is forever within me. Jan was a mentor and a mother spirit to me. I feel her joy and love fill me daily when I need a hug or a nudge her spirit is alive.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Teresa Wilkinson The Storyteller: To Journal My Journey: Manifesting a Miracle

Teresa Wilkinson The Storyteller: To Journal My Journey: Manifesting a Miracle

Sunday, March 23, 2014

To Journal My Journey: Manifesting a Miracle

Hello Friends,

My hiatus from updating this blog has been long and is now at an end. I appreciate those whom have patiently waited my return. Here I am whole and complete ready to share another journey.

First let me begin with a medical definition. Angiomyolipoma is a fatty benign tumor on the kidney. It is not life threatening. It can be uncomfortable and there is danger of internal bleeding when the tumor begins to grow over 4 cm. The bleeding can be dangerous and painful.

My angiomyolipoma tumor was discovered in  2009 on my right kidney. Since that time it is now 4 cm in size and could begin to bleed. My doctor decided it was time to consider removing this tumor and the surgery was scheduled for 03/21/2014. The surgery has been cancelled. I am relieved and happy about the cancellation of the surgery.

I had a bad feeling about this surgery. I felt it was a bad decision and that transition was imminent if I went under anesthesia. I am at peace so I was following the doctors and my families suggestions that I followed the steps to  proceed with the surgery.  The hospital rescued me from surgery. My deductible has a balance of $771.03 to be met. We do not have that money available to us at this moment, therefore surgery is cancelled.

I have been studying The Unity Movement. The founders of this movement Myrtle and Charles Fillmore are inspirational. I find the story of Myrtle Fillmore especially thrilling given my present circumstance.  Myrtle Fillmore manifested her own miracle and cured herself from tuberculosis. She united her mind, body and spiritual self and manifested a miracle. My brief description above is an over simplification of her actions and journey, but it is the gist of what I intend to do.

My life as of today is not in jeopardy. I am active with my doctors and health care professionals. I am not abandoning modern medicine. I am choosing to be active in my healing. I am choosing to pursue a miracle. I choosing to do something the medical community says can not be done. I am choosing to have my body rid itself of this tumor made of fatty tissue. If in the mean time it begins to bleed I will go to the hospital and have it surgically removed during emergency surgery. If I save the $771.03 in the mean time I will schedule the surgery. God could manifest a miracle by showing me the money. I have no control over the means of a miracle, but I am going to try and manifest my own miracle that this tumor is eliminated from my body.

I will be chronicling my journey here just as I did with my battle with depression, homelessness and following my husband across the United States. I will soon be posting pictures of my prayer and meditation garden. My hope is to help someone else. To inspire someone else to pursue the path less traveled and look for the hope faith brings.



Sunday, September 29, 2013

Many Talents

The story of the coat of many colors is playing through my head this morning. The message of being thankful for what we receive is prominent. I am thankful that I have many talents. I can accomplish just about anything that comes my way inside my home, family and life, challenges be ware. I have a good tool set both physically and mentally. This is a gift the ability to create things from  cloth, wood, or seeds. I understand that and I am so very thankful for it.

My problem how do I take my gift and make a living. My mothers time on earth will be over and I am unprepared to supplement my family income she provides. I am trying not to panic about the possibility of my mother no longer being with me. I have been her elder care giver for 11 years, change could be on the horizon tomorrow or in another 10 years. I have no way of knowing when God will call her home. She is 84 years old and dependent on my care to survive as I am her income. So again I need to prepare for my next step in life.

Accepting reality understanding that all things life change is important. I feel this is the time for me to make decisions as to how I am going to support my end of our family. What am I going to do to supplement our survival? Sew, write, cook, clean what am I going to do? My many gifts, my many loves, my talents are my God given coat of many colors. I am very thankful but so confused on which path to take.

Praying for guidance, health and purity of thought.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

The Money Pickle

November last year my Mother was released from a Hospice Care facility. A miracle that she survived indeed. I am thankful that we have added time to know each other and for me to learn many lessons.

The care level for my Mother is not simple. Constant repetitive questions that change daily depending on her mood. Moments of anger, moments of activity, moments of confusion are all a part of our day. She is a fall risk and requires routine much like a toddler. A stroke in 2002 shortly after the death of my younger brother Robert brought us to this place in life. She does not remember my brother that part of her mind wiped clean as a slate. I am thankful for that, sometimes dementia brings gifts that prevent us from suffering.

Approximately a month ago, my former employer asked if I would like to come back to work part time. My husband and I discussed it and away I went, back into sales. The care for my mother to have someone in our home to replace me cost us $1000.00 a week. I saw this as a challenge instead of a red flag and I still set forth to get back to work. Two weeks later I realized that the red flag had turned into a big red blinking beacon and I once again resigned my position. $2000.00 poorer for my efforts.

The money pickle began.  This is not something we can not recover from it will take time. I am not hopeless in this situation. There is light at the end of the rainbow. Unity of the Valley is having a craft fair December 7. My daughter makes wonderful bracelets and my mother in law creates fabulous jewelry and I am going to make up some aprons, so we are participating in this event. My mother can attend this event so no day care will be needed. Now I just need the funds and to find reasonable material to create my craft. The money pickle, to make money you need money. I know this so well.

Here we go again, struggling out of a pickle, one bite at a time. I have hope. I have faith. My family will survive this money pickle.  

Monday, September 23, 2013

Monday: Cleaning Day

"Get up kids it is time to clean. If you don't have a job or school you have to help Momma clean."

I wish the simple utterance of the sentence above would succeed in calling my child to service. Can you see me on my strong powerful vacuum, waving my dust rag valiantly above my head, a mop and broom as my side arms. A war on clutter, dirt and germs. So simple, so courageous yet so hard to motivate others to help.

I have always been the one to do it herself instead of requesting the help of others. Opening my mouth to plead my case or demand service is just not me. This has been a life long problem for me.
The first child that came to live with me, was a lot like me. He did not speak much and found it easier if he saw a task to be done he did it. I never had to nag for help. I miss him, but as children do he grew up and moved on successfully into his own life.

Now I have troops to rally. My own son. He helps with yard work, but the inside escapes his vision. Once in a while he will dry the dishes or pick up misplaced trash, but voluntarily scrubbing the bath tub, nope. He is happy to bathe in a coat of germ film surrounding his feet as he showers the other more precious parts of his body. My daughter is the same. I get a hardy, "Thank You" when I clean the tub to bathe my Mother, but my children find that putting their own hands and scrubbing the germs away just to gross.

Funny thing is, I work to kill the germs by cleaning and getting up and personal with them in this war of household chores and I rarely get sick. Could it be that be being the fearsome lady with the disinfectant and sponge the germs fear me and run from me in defeat? Am I my own white knight protecting us from disease that the germs run from and fear to attack?

The above paragraph cracks me up. I am sitting here in a leopard print robe, drinking coffee, my hair carelessly pulled into a scrunchy. I am not the image I would behold in my minds eye of a soldier or a knight in shining armor. Yet here I go bound by destiny to clean the grime that builds up in a week in my home.

Oh and here I go to rouse a sleeping teenager to either get a job or join the troops of cleaning.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Accepting Your Calling

Yesterday I wrote about accepting myself. Today I am writing about accepting your calling. The Service at our church yesterday was about filling your calling. Gods call to your soul to do or pursue an activity or idea. Sometimes I feel the services are molded to my current mindset, thought patterns, and or dreams each week. Is Reverend Dalia visiting my mind? I jest. Yet still do you ever find that what you need to be reiterated in your mind is confirmed  through someone else.

A church service seems to be a good place for God to speak to one. I have had the confirmation of ideas come to me in unusual sources as well. A television show, a column, or maybe even a stranger in a grocery line have all been sources of confirmation of ideas at different times in my life. It is so important to listen to the world around us. To be open to the confirmation of a calling, a gentle reinforcement of the idea you already know to  be the truth.

Today I keep moving forward in my life. Living one day at a time in a forward motion, fulfilling my life, my calling. Which is a big job. At this moment I am hearing the dogs needing to go out, my mother finishing her coffee, and Kayla getting ready for school. I have already made lunches. Soon I will prepare my Mother breakfast. My days are routine mixed with chaos and I love those around me and my life.

We will be traveling to Union City today my Mother and I to return my samples. I am looking forward to saying Goodbye to my friends there at the warehouse. I am hoping to meet a friend for a picnic lunch on our way home. Celebrating the acceptance of who I am.