Sunday, February 28, 2010

Spring Feeling

Let me start with: Happy Birthday Grandma Mabel!!! 1904-1997

"Today, there is room in my life for all the beautiful miracles that are mine to enjoy. I am pleasantly full and my joy ripples out into the world." Daily Affirmation, The United Center for Spiritual Living

Today I am blessed to live in California. I don't feel that way everyday, but today I am blessed with sunshine after a rain. The tulip tree in my neighbors back yard has shared its pedals with me. The brick and overgrown grass in my yard is covered in a spotty blanket of pink and white. Wild clover sits with yellow bells hanging from thin stalks waiting for the sun to grace them fully awakening the dazzling bright yellow flower. My broken minature peach has dark pink blossoms and my plum tree is flirting with the miracle of sping a white bloom here and there.

The air is brisk and clean. My yard and gardens are full of new life an trash left after our winter storms. I can see my yard in two perspectives. The first of hope and miracle of new life and hope of spring. The second the despair of death and illness my health problems have left. I must choose the first perspective and the hope it holds.

My yards and gardens show the abuse of my health, but it also holds the miracle of life, rebirth, love and a promicing future. Do what you love and the rest will follow.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

My Reasons

"Today, I have the intention of finding myself in the midst of spontaneous laughter, and I invite others into this arena of healing fun." Daily Affirmations, The United Centers for Spiritual Living.

Healing is good. I started my activity of writing and blogging to promote my own healing. As I have said my soul, my faith, my health and my well being have been shaken in a neverending storm of events. My mind grabs ahold of the negative and "Why ME!" triumphs at times as a focus of my attention.

I am trying on a daily basis to begin fresh each morning. I write to focus my mind on a positive perspective. I begin each day reading and copying the  Daily Affirmation posted by the United Centers for Spiritual Living. My personal journal goes everywhere I go all day long.

My journal contains my most personal thoughts, my ideas for stories and essays, lists and reminders. The second item that  is my constant companion is a day planner. I also carry a lead pencil, eraser, two very nice pens and white out. I am still in the stone age with my personal organization.

I may publicize my blog, essays and fiction stories on an electronic format, but I am more comfortable with the old way of ink and lead for my everyday organization. I am in the process of healing taking control of my life, but listening to the suttle direction of the universe and God as I perceive him. I hang on to the old ways in some aspects of my life, but not all. I am evolving as a person and become who I was meant to be.

My political and spiritual ideas are influenced by my ancestors, yet I have molded my own opinions. It is not my place to make anyone agree with me and my views. To be frank my journals, stories and blogs are not about who may read them, they are about my focus and well being.

I choose to share to promote my focus, health and well being. If you can identify with me, then I am not alone on this journey. If you don't or maybe one day you do and the next you believe I have lost my mind. Then "HURRAY" you are an independent thinker an individual free to your own beliefs. I am not looking for your approval just an exchange of ideas.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Wonderful Experience!

I have tears of joy. My life has not been easy. I am certain most everyone has had hard places in their lives, but when my rough places happen. My monsters stop me. Depression, doubt, anxiety, fear, ghosts, nightmares my mind will not move on.

I have lived with "Why me?" since I was a small child. I would stand up get moving in one direction almost have success at my finger tips and I would either fall down or be yanked in another direction.

My career as a woman has been elder caregiver, mother, and nuturing advisor since I was 18 years old. I have battled mental illness, Chronic Depression, all of my adult life and probably since adolescense. My belief system has been trampled on and my faith tested. I can say I have lost my faith many times and have battled Chronic Depression for my life.

I never understood why with the good there was so much heartache. Why did things build so greatly only to collapse arround me? Why am I starting over at 30? Why am I divorced at 40? Why Why Why? Does no one understand what is happening to me?

My eyes are now opened. I have always had a huge loving heart, that has pulled me to take care of those I loved until I was completely spent; as a woman, lover, mother, daughter, sister, grand-daughter, entrepreneur, wife, winner and failure. I have life experience. I have understanding for others. I have been so sick I prayed for the mercy of death. I have lost an unborn child. I have offered my support to a child even when I did not agree with the decision. I have done and experienced so much life.

Now it is time for me to draw on all that life experience, incorporated it with new things yet to be learned and help others. God has nudged me. He has shown me the direction and part of the Why. Now I step forward with confidence that I can share and I can help myself and anyone called to listen.

3 Topics on my mind.

Mommy: My progression from Super Mom to Crazy Mother
The Mental Illness Taboo: Acceptance of Addiction vs.Taboo of Mental Illness
Mommyhood to Grandmahood: A Womans Natural Growth

There are about 5 other topics running around in my brain this morning. I feel good, I feel alive. I have to work early this morning getting ready to fight the morning rush to Sacramento. Taking a note pad and digital voice recorder to help get ideas to paper. OMG Why would a creative morning be a morning I am to busy to write?

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Toxic Parents

I received a tweet from "Women on the Fence" Are you struggling dealing with Toxic Parents? I read the blog/article it referred to and I just want to stop my day in its tracks and cry. I know that earlier this morning I wrote about faith in God and how much I learned from anothers womans blog about her strength and faith. I was up lifted and full of hope by the demostration of this womans faith in God.

I am now plunging into the dark folds of depression. I know that "Womenonthefence" Are you struggling with Toxic Parents? article was not directed at me personally. I commented on the article that it was a good message and told some of my story and experience with Toxic Parents. I am sad, angry, dissapointed that I did not see what was happening until the damage was done. I am depressed because I let it happen. Now my bad choices in regards to my parents has affected and continues to affect my children.

I am not strong enough at this moment to let go of what has happened and move on with my day. The memory of the losses suffered by me and my children by my stupidity is now a raw pussing sore. All I want to do is cry. I am writing this trying to bring myself into focus again.

I know that my story, my mistake and publisizing my errors may help some other woman from making that fatal mistake. Maybe someone will realize and not repeat a tradition that destroyed my family. Maybe I will save someone by being public with my disaster.

I also know I must move on. I have to get up, I have to start over, I have to survive. I have stopped the cycle of mental abuse. I am doing everything in my power to make sure that my children do not suffer with my care. I have to get up, I have to start over, I have to survive.

Please God grant me the strength to move, to do, to start over, to survive.

My body is physically tired and my mind is closing in on me. I have to get up, I have to start over, I have to survive.

Please God heal my children from the damage my mistake caused our family. Turn it into a life lesson they are better for experiencing. Maybe they had to see the damage play out to permanently stop the cycle of mental abuse.

I am trying to understand why trying to be who I was raised to be was a bad decision. I am trying to get up I am trying to start over, I am trying to survive.

Social Net/Faith n God

"Today, when I see a spiritual stop sign, I stop the vehicle of negativity and resume with thoughts and words I really want to form." Daily Affirmations, The United Center for Spiritual Living.

This moring I logged on to a social network. I logged in to my Mom network, my title, a group of sites I have collected of magazines and other Mom's blogs. It is my entertainment and news for me as a Mother.

I ran into a blog this morning by chance, following a link from one of the blogs I follow on a regular basis. This was posted Tuesday, February 23, 2010 this blog is written by a mother whose two year old daughter is loosing a battle with childhood cancer. I am so thankfull, I have not shared this experience. Her little girl is dying and this Mother has faith that God has a reason for her daughter to have this disease and a short life.

This family has so much strength and faith. They are thankful for their short time together. I have had less horrible experiences and have questioned the existance of God. The family noted, will soon loose their youngest member and I am amazed in their faith, how it stands unshaken. This family has been given a spiritual stop sign, pushed aside the negativity and moved forward with a stronger faith in God.

I could learn so much for them. I given situations of less grievous magnitude have chosen to embrace the negative and question God's existence. It is only recently after passing through my own negativity that I have embrased God and restored my faith.  While my life was hard I question my faith in God. I had to get on the other side and look back to see God was with me all the way. The family in the blog I mentioned can teach all of us so much. I am ready to learn and feel the warmth that faith in God brings.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

God's Ears

"Today, I accept the gift of God's ears, and I am greatful for the willingness of all forms of God, seen and unseen, to hear me into my creative nature of wholeness." Daily Affirmation, The United Centers of Spiritual Thinking.

Good Morning, I wrote in my journal this morning about my depression, how I was sinking further into it and loosing my battle. I wrote about Don being such a patient man and his faith that I will be well. I wrote about being a failure in my profession because I can not get anyone to give me the time to help them. I wrote about feeling stagnate, not really caring about our future, wanting to do my part to help us and being unable to.

Then I read for the 3rd or 4th time the Daily Affirmation above. I realized that my journal entry was me telling it to God's ears. I released all that negative energy into my journal. I am not one to pray. I do pray. Usually I pray when it concerns my children or people I love or I will pray for strength for myself. My prayers are short to the point notes.

I do not sit and have prayer and have a conversation with God. When I was young and alone, I would pray and talk to God when I drove. It had nothing to do with my driving skills. It was just the time I chose to talk to God. God was my best friend. I told him everything. I have not talked to God in a long long time. This morning as I wrote in my journal about how depressed I was and how I felt like a failure, I think I unloaded all that negative energy into God.

I feel better about today now. I feel like I can go forward. I am questioning my career path at the moment, but for now it is what I must do. Until I see the way for a different career, I must keep moving forward. I will get someone to listen to me today. I will get someone to let me help them. I will spread love, creativity and light through my world. I will be fine.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Happiness in my Wake.

"Today, my actions are founded in intentions that are slowly simmered in the cauldron of my heart until they are just the right temperature to taste and fully enjoy." Daily Affirmation, The United Center for Spiritual Living.

Lead with my heart. My intentions with my life is to help my fellow human beings. I have to approach everyone with an open heart and an open mind. I have to listen to their concern address their words and leave them in a better postion than when I met them. 

My imagery this morning is not a butterfly flittering about in peaceful unrest. Instead I see myself as a grand doe. Entering a meadow with her heard of deer. My doe persona has an aura of  butterflies, hearts, light, wisdom, and courage flowing around her. I look to help where needed and I am granted the wisdom and love of my fellow flock.

To be true to myself, I must meet everyone with a warm smile and a firm handshake of trust. I must be true to myself, be the best me I can be and leave everywhere I enter a little brighter than it was.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Lists for a Wild Imagination

"Today, I unlock my wild imagination and let it dance freely in a universe ready to reveal threads of truth." Daily Affimations, United Center for Spiritual Living

My wild imagination can be very dark. The images of my mind can haunt me for days, taking me from my chosen path. To let my wild imagination dance freely limits my true self with exhaustion from an overactive mind. I choose not to let this happen, I fight with new deterrmination to focus my vision and energy.

To help in my war from dark, scattered, disabling visions I write. I write everyday, not just my blog. I write a list. A list of chores, time relevant daily goals. A list of duties, work, play, hobbies, and goals written daily one day at a time.

My need for lists keeps me focused. Without my lists I begin to bounce, my mind and body become spontaneous to the point of chaos. Focus is out of my reach, my heart begins to beat rapidly and I begin to move faster and faster to keep up with my overactive mind. My body finally gives in to exhaustion.

The cause of my distress is unknown. Is this the early stages of alzheimers, mental illness, or brain damage. I do not have an answer. I do know that my father and his cousin both had a form fo this problem. Thier homes filled with unfinished projects, ideas and goals.

Maybe I am looking at this in a negative perspective. Maybe I need to change my perspective to a positive structure. To see the lists as a way for a very wild imagination to dance freely with organization. That instead of my home being filled with scattered projects, ideas and goals that were never completed. I have found a way to use my wild imagination and let it dance in organized peace, to finish my projects and meet my goals. In conclusion to be the best me I can be I have lists to organize my wild imagination and let it dance freely.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Goals Achieved & Goals MIssed

"Today, obstacles are instantly transformed into opportunities. I swim in the flow of the good life." Daily Affirmations, United Centers for Spiritual Living.

I am proud of my achievments over the past two days. I take a moment to reflect on my progress. I only take a moment no more to pat myself on the back and move foward. I have scheduled myself off for this weekend. I am not going to work my Insphere Insurance position on Saturdays or Sundays. This request was made by Don and I have chosen to honor it.

This weekend we shall dedicate to each other and our small family. We shall do projects or family outings. We shall relax participating in our independent projects or doing things together.

I am learning and training myself not to worry about my daily shortcomings. I will not let depression trap me in the cycle of failure. I will instead acknowledge my part in it and do better next time. I will also take a moment to review my victories, carefull not to stop to long. I will move forward toward a goal based in love, friendship and spiritual universal good.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Life conspiring

"Today I pray with faith of a scientist who finds verifiable results; Life is indeed conspiring for my good." Dalily Affirmations

Life conspiring for my good. I hope so. It is so I believe it. Yesterday I made a plan. Although I wasted time during the day, I completed most of it.

I know to save myself I must get better at organizing my time. I am proud of my results. I am using my planner, but I only take one day at a time. Today I am bouncing quite a bit. I am already behind 30 minutes on today. I will resolve this and enjoy my success. I love myself to much to allow depression to hold me still.

I can do this.
My goals are in reach.
I see Don and I as a team. He has picked up the torch and is running for the goal.
Today I pick up my torch and run beside him.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

This picture was taken late 2008. I like it and wanted to share it. I am playing with picture posting on this blog. Bare with me as I learn this system
"Today I take snapshots of beauty, abundance, joy and love and I can't get them out of my mind.", Daily Affirmation, United Centers for Spiritual Living.

The above phrase makes me want to take out my camera and snap pictures all day. Maybe I should take literally my search for beauty, abundance, joy and love. I probably need to remind myself of the finer things of life.

I am in recovery mode today, from a week of complacent inactivity. I am discouraged that my mind made me become of exercise the part of me that does not care about much. This mood causes my future to be difficult. I know the effect that my behavior brings and I know it could cause my homelessness. As I am overcome with inactivity though it is almost impossible to move. Physically my body just wants to sit and my mind doesn't want to think. I just let life fall around me.

Despair takes over and instead of seeing the vibrant colors of life all I see is the shades of gray. Bitterness, despair, not loving myself, lost in gray. My body a shell of who I am mimicking the actions to complete the bare necessities of life.

Maybe to necessitate change I will start the day with a camera. Capturing the vibrant colors of beauty, abundance, joy and love of life and the universe.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

My affirmation this morning was looking inside your self to see love and looking outside yourself to see love expressed around you. I can not do that today. My soul feels lost. I feel lost. I went off my medication for 3 days restarting on the 4th. I am so mad at myself. I have let myself down yet again. I need help. I need to see what is truly important yet all I can do is gripe.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Ridiculous Satire HA HA

I feel silly, comedic, sarcastic humor pouring from me.

I have a friend wou brought up the saturical humor of the 80's generation. He referanced George Carlin and Death Metal as example of satire to educate. To get our world to look at how ridiculous we are.

I for the first time in my life commented on an article. "Family, Lisa Cianci, Working moms, Workplace, parenting — posted by Lisa Cianci on February, 16 2010 7:00 AM" Lisa Cianci wrote about the fairness of President Obama's personal family first agenda. Is it fair that an executive leave a meeting to put family first? My response was maybe we should stop the world to accommodate family meals. No one works, outside 10 minutes from home.

Now to be literally ridiculous lets entertain the following scenario.

Since the corporation Apple has a major presence in Elk Grove, CA I am going to use that community as an example. It is a small town with a huge corporate presence within the City of Elk Grove limits.

Our first law every family living in Elk Grove must have spouse working at Apple, Inc. The other spouse must work in the service industry to support the employees and families of Apple, Inc. The spouse must be a; doctor, nurse, teacher, lawyer, banker, day care provider, gardener, etc.
The spouse can not leave Elk Grove for employment.

Service industries that are outlawed; motels, hotels, travel, restaurants, car dealerships (everything within 10 minutes, everyone walks.) Freeways are shut down to all human traffic transportation is of goods only and is done by robotics. No human error on freeway system. Equipment never breaks down because it is maintained perfectly.

Now this is an example of how Americans would have to live to make our family life perfect. The community works together as a well oiled machine. Everyday is the same, we are so organized the Bill of Rights is thrown out. Everything for everyone is done at exactly the same time. Everything is fair no one misses a family dinner, child's recital, sports event or activity.

Life is fair for everyone. It is perfect. We can eliminate police officers, security and national defence because a perfect world means contentment and joy for all.

Do you see a problem?

Monday, February 15, 2010

Vibrations of Love

Today's affirmation was about opening ones self to the universes vibrations of love and taking the time to listen to these true sounds. My mind went off in a hundred different directions everything from tawdry sexual selfish love to the sweet music of birds chirping. Which because of the constant high pitch squeal I have been damned with I do not hear anymore.

Concentrating on this squeal though only makes me angry about things that are beyond my control. Such as the losses of three of my senses I shouldn't say they are loss ed they are diminished. My sense of hearing to a gunshot, my sense of smell and taste to fibromyalgia and smoking. There is the possibility that if I quit smoking I may in time regain my sense of smell and taste to a better level than what it is now. So therefore there is hope and I possibly do have control over partial correction of two of these losses. Yahoo!

Okay I have some control, maybe.

Admitting that I have no control over a situation sometimes brings on a feeling of failure. I can not control the actions of another person. I have no control over the loss of my hearing. I have no control over old age, gravity, or some life changes. I do have control of my physical actions and how I treat people and I try to the best of my ability to treat everyone as I want to be treated. I want the hard questions. I want someone to challenge me to use my mind. I want to experience the universe and all the love it holds.

Now taking the time to listen to the universal sounds of love is time I take to enjoy sunshine, the birds hopping and flying among the trees, going to the park and seeing the young mother with her babies scampering between the trees and toys. Playing golf, when weather and my body allows. Finding the inner peace I have been learning exists with in me.

I have found the creative juice to tell my story in metaphor and possibly be able to make a living at it. If not the process of writing a fiction novel has opened me to learn from my past experience. How I felt at the time. What it was like to pass through that time and what am I suppose to do now that that time has subsided.

I use the word subsided because I feel that my emotional being is like a river. Sometimes it rolls and moves with the land in a forgiving peaceful pace. Then the outside forces of storms, man, and the universe turns the peaceful pace into a thrashing torrent of rapid water destroying all before it and taking life instead of giving life. So do I believe my time as an emotional slave has ended "Yes". Do I believe it will ever happen to me again? Honestly I hope I am strong enough to prevent it and have learned from the past how not to fall into such a trap. I am human. I do not know what lies ahead.

I give myself to the universe and God. I listen to the vibrations of love. I write to put to rest my soul and learn from my past. I grab hold of and tightly, gently experience the love of my children, husband, pets and plants. I am thankful for my new experiences and being able to give to the world my opinions. I am thankful that I am able to give my opinions when asked and not be insulted when the value of the lessons inside those opinions are not used by those that asked. I am who I am because of the journey of my life and I am thankful for the journey.

I listen to the vibrations of love and accept in joy of that love.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Valentines Day!

Today, I open to be touched by love. I also touch the world with the love of my inner self that knows loving words to say and what loving actions to take.

Let me start with "I Love you, Don!"

I love a lot of people involved in my live now and past. My capacity to love has never been a problem. It is knowing when to love by acts and when to love by being still. As the children I have helped to raise have grown to adulthood this has been a feet of self control. I have made more mistakes with this concept than I truly care to count. But as mistakes go you generally only know it is a true mistake when you look back. Hind site will always be 20/20.

So this Valentines Day, I love myself with forgiveness for my errors. I love Don with passion and truth. I love my children with caring, nurturing, and a watchful peaceful heart. I love the world with optimism and a pledge of citizenship. To do my part to leave this world a better place than when I entered it.

I have love in my heart for mother earth. I have love in my heart for God as I perceive.

Happy Valentines Day to all.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Writing working on Novel

My main character in ready to begin her escape. I have to write this but I have fear in my gut. It is almost like I am afraid for her to leave.

Happy Birthday Brother. RIP

Today is my little brothers 43rd birthday. He passed in 2002 but I remember this being the day he would love. He loved the gifts and presents, he enjoyed being our Mothers' and Fathers' Valentines Gift. His blond hair and green eyes were the same as mine and our faces were the same. For this next month we were paternal twins. I know not in the typical sense but if you wanted to see what I would look like as a boy, or what he would look like as a girl you only had to look at the other one of us. We shared a lot more than looks, we shared mental illness.

My brother Robert was an undiagnosed schizophrenic and he had mild depression. I have mild schizophrenia and chronic depression. I fight for survival, he fought for survival and lost. My brother did not commit suicide, his death was definitely an accident. He refused treatment much at the fault of our parents who were raised when diagnosis of mental illness meant a life of captivity. My parents knew Robert needed help, deep down they knew it. Yet instead of encouraging diagnosis and medication they chose to blame the county government and officials for Roberts legal battles that were caused by mental illness. They blamed the MAN.

Robert died from self medicating with alcohol and drugs. It was a terrible, painful, useless death. His death could have been prevented he could have been a fruitful addition to our society. His talents and wisdom were diminished by the predisposed disease of our gene pool.

I have been institutionalized for my mental illness once in my life. I have had to start over financially because of my mental illness three times. I have had to start over with a new life partner more than three times. I will add here that starting over financially and starting over with a new life partner did not always go hand and hand. So divorce is not the only thing that can cause a person to loose financially.

I am in the process of rebuilding financially with my current partner. I know this time I have to keep my demons at bay. I have to pay attention to my physical and mental health. I have to seek treatment, I have to be proactive. I can not let the fear of an institution stop me from seeking treatment. My institutionalization would be a temporary evil to experiencing a better form of sanity. At this time I am experiencing an optimum form of sanity, so therefore the dangers of being institutionalized are very low. I am taking my medication as prescribed and my partner encourages my voice, internalizing my thoughts always leads to my mental breakdown.

He discusses with me the visions, the nightmares. We meet the demons head on. He accepts me for my faults and my gifts creativity being the strongest. He does not chastise me or call me crazy, stupid, dump, or any of the thousand negative connotations I have been referred as. He met this situation head on and has never looked back. I love him for this he is my knight.

I wish my brother had sought out a relationship that was as supportive and genuine as I have fallen into. Maybe he would have survived. We will never know if he had embraced his uniqueness and celebrated it what may have happened. It is too late.

I write this because it is not to late for many. A mentally ill person is not a lost cause, we are worthy of love, respect and life. Most of us do not need to be institutionalized forever. Sometimes when the path gets rocky yes an institution on a temporary basis is a good thing. The family I have created, not the immediate family I was born into, have embraced my mental illness with me and we celebrate who we are and our talents everyday.

I implore you to embrace the family member you consider crazy and encourage them for the unique individual they manifest.

Friday, February 12, 2010

A Creative Heart or A Disturbed Heart.

My affirmation for today is: Today I use my creative heart to convey my gratitude and appreciate in wild wonderful words for all the expressions of love on the planet of my life. Quoted from United Centers for Spiritual Living, Daily Affirmations February 12, 2010.

Wow! if only I really felt that way today. I woke up with a tired heart my creative mind let me sleep, but kept me in dark nightmares all night.

It seems that the ghost, an old woman, kept lifting the corner of my bedroom ceiling and telling me to come with her. I call her a ghost, but I am unsure that she is a ghost. She is reoccurring, although I had not seen her in over a year until last night.

She is a strange figure, white ghostly in appearance, I can see through her. She has tremendous strength. When she comes, she calls to me, lifting the ceiling away from the wall, darkness fills the space around her and her body that remains in the darkness is a vapor of light.

When she calls me she takes my breath. I have actually stopped breathing and begun to follow her direction. The times that I have begun to follow this creature, I have been awakened by my husband telling me "Wake up Teresa, Breathe Teresa, Please Teresa Breathe" I have terrified him during these times. She can be a powerful creation of my creative mind or subconscious.

The other nightmare I had last night was of a teenager. I know this young person, she had a troubled time when she was a teenager, she rebelled into drugs, alcohol and all the other terrible things we can get ourselves into during our teenage development to adulthood. She is now a young woman and survived being a rebellious teenager and is drug-free.

Last night in my nightmare, which occurred like a broken record, she is again a teenager. She arrives home without her right hand ring finger. She goes to her father who is not alarmed and inspects the dried bloody stump and stubble of bone, much like one would inspect a paper cut. He asks her all the questions anyone would ask, "Where is your finger?, How did you loose it? Do you have it?" She has no idea where it is or what happened to it. She is not terrified. She acts like one might act if they had lost a pencil. Her father sends her to bed.

Her mother wakes the next morning, going to the kitchen to get that first cup of coffee. She is horrified to find the severed finger in the trap of the dishwasher. She reacts as I would expect anyone to react to finding a finger in the dishwasher. I watched this scene play out several times during my sleep. I was not a participant but an invisible observer.

I don't know what these two dreams have to do with my conscience mind. Wat do such horrific occurrences have to do with my current situation? I am no longer in danger. I am safe. My current husband protects me and loves me completely. I do not have to worry about being beaten for transgressions I do not understand.

I am no longer responsible for my parents or siblings. I am only responsible for myself, my children, and my husband. I only have to nurture my immediate family and self. This point in my life finds my conscience at peace.

I am giving love and receiving love. I am growing and learning no longer stagnate in despair. I was ashamed to accept love. I had felt unworthy of love. I have changed and grown. My time of darkness was not a waisted time, it brought me to the self I am today.

My question; Why did these dreams or ghosts come to me last night?

I have learned and accepted my past. I have forgiven myself and others. I have stepped forward and acknowledge God as I perceive him to be. Why does the ghost reappear after this absence? Why did my subconscious mind put a teenager in abandoned disregard for such a horrific loss?

I suppose today or my future days the answer will be revealed.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Everyday is My Day

Everyday is my day, but some mornings the fog of sleep makes that reality harder to grasp. My plan or goal last night as I fell to sleep was to begin this morning smokeless. I found myself not wanting to complete that task this morning.

Some would say I chose failure. My response to them is I did not fail. I have chosen to approach the task from a different direction. Let me elaborate by some history of my smoking life and my non-smoking life.

I have not smoked my entire life. My first experience of smoking was when I was three. My father was a smoker. I as most little girls idealized him as the perfect man. I wanted to imitate him as the perfect human being. I would steal his glasses, shoes and cigarettes. I truly saw him as a King to our Kingdom.

Getting back to my point, my father smoked therefore I smoked. I am not talking about second hand smoke. I honestly smoked. If he lit a cigarette and placed in an ash tray I would steal it and smoke it. He tried many things to get me to stop. None of them worked the realization that if my father wanted me to stop smoking he had to quit. Simply said at 42 years old a smoker since age 12 or 13 he quit cold turkey, no patches, no gum, no antidepressants. His only words to me about it where, "Okay Cowbel if I quit you have to quit." and so it was done. Spoken like a King our Kingdom was smokeless.

This remained the truth until shortly after my 18th birthday. I was in full rebellion. I still saw my father as a King, but the crown I had bestowed upon him had tarnished. I bought a pack of cigarettes.

I did not like the taste or the smell, but I forced myself to smoke. Now why smoke if I have to force myself to enjoy it. As I said before I was in rebellion. I did not want to be seen as I thought everyone else saw me. I did not want to be "Sweet and Innocent". I wanted to be seen as a spirited, rebellious and a fun girl. I became a smoker and I smoked until I was 26 or 27.

I quit at this time for me, not for the children I wanted. I tried that, quitting to become pregnant was not a reason to lead to my success. I failed every time I told someone a date I would quit. I finally figured out I had to quit for me. I quit because I wanted to live, I wanted to be healthy and I deserved to be smoke free. I found success, I began exercising and eating healthier. I quit for me. I did not tell anyone. I just quit.

I began smoking again in 2007. I was 41 years old. I was under lots of pressure. My life was on high boil. I felt a cigarette would be so good. I missed the burning inhale and exhale. I felt out of control in my life. I felt like my true self was smothered by who I was forced to be. I started smoking as an expression of my true self the bad girl.

Now, I am approaching my 44th birthday. The last 18 months have been a struggle for survival. I do not have a life threatening illness. I am fighting the "stinking thinking" monster of mental illness, a predisposition of my gene pool. I have also fought typical life illnesses that pop up in our lives and have required 3 surgeries in the past 18 months. I am now one of the millions of Americans that does not qualify for independent health insurance.

I want to quit smoking. I want it badly. I am tired of the smell in my car, my body, my clothes. I want my teeth to be pearly white. I don't like the small lines that have developed around my mouth from inhaling and exhaling smoke. I want to walk valiantly and strong. Proud to take each step with vigor and vitality.

I need to quit for me. Today I will soon eat breakfast and take my medications that keep my mental monsters at bay. I will also take my dog Mia to our local park and walk the mile or so around the path and back to our car. I am aiming for one lap at a good comfortable pace. I may try two, but this is my first step towards wanting to live and be healthy. This is my first step towards quitting for me.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Opinions of Others Evaporate

I have always let my perceptions of how others saw me govern my life. I chose to act as those perceptions were defined by me. I have come to a crossroads in my life where I will no longer live as the person I perceive others to define me as. I will no longer let guilt make my decisions. I will design my life as I want it to be. I will not let the heaviness of duty be my sole guide in my life goals.

Although I have taken a stance. I have yet to discover the life path decisions it would seem to be dangling before me. I have chosen a career. I am a mother. I am a wife. I love and receive love. What life determining choices do I have to make? The answer is several different things, decisions, quests and choices. My life, my time, my way.