Tuesday, October 19, 2010

How Depression Warps A Self-Portrait

My self-portrait was warped by the hurtful things kids say and do to each other. Coupled with sever depression and a sensitive heart the vision I saw in the mirror for years was a girl so ugly no one wanted her. This situation began very early in my life. My vision of myself has been tarnished or warped for over 35 years. I truly believed every negative thing I heard about myself and I never heard the good. I could not accept anything that was good about me.

Chronic Depression made me a martyr. I seeing myself as ugly not worthy of love, friendship and joy have made choices that took me away from those I cared about to ease the pain of them leaving me first. I am an emotional runner, get close to me and I will push you away eventually.

This cycle has repeated itself over and over in my life. I walked into a restaurant this past weekend to a roomful of people I had run from 20 years before and I was greeted with love. I felt like a star.

I never felt loved or even as though I had friends 20 years before in this group. Now I see it was the depression, my mind telling me no one cared, it was not the truth. I am still in shock and dismay over my discovery, but it is easier to hold my head high today. If you have Chronic Depression or a mental illness remember your perceptions are affected by the disease.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Going Home Again!

Good Morning! I am getting ready to go to my former home town. I was raised in the lower end of the San Joaquin valley. Which is 300 miles south of where I am now, I love the town I live in. I like the people the heritage and the proximity to San Francisco and Sacramento, but Facebook has given me a chance to connect with the ones I left. I am therefore taking full advantage of a reunion and I am going home to see those I had left.

The internet gave me a present of connection. The ability to connect with others my peer group from long ago and find out that I would be welcome. I am not a booming success. Which I swore I would be when I returned to any reunions, I am healthy though and that is enough success for me.

 The depths of my mental illness began in Junior High School. I was utterly convinced that my peer group hated me. I was a loner, my situation at home, magnified that terrible perception. I was not hated and in some instances I was admired but I missed all of that by my own illness and the warped perception of self it created.


I am going home. My heart is swelling with pride and love for my friends and acquaintances of old. The saying “You can not go home again.” is true in one fashion. I am not coming home the very sick little girl I was when I left. The page has turned, 25 some odd years later, I am going home with awareness of my illness and awareness of the warped self image that illness created.

Those of friends of my yesterday, I look so forward to seeing you. I look forward to hearing your triumphs. Meeting your spouses and seeing pictures of your children and grandchildren. I so want to share and see everyone in real life. So without further prose,

“Bakersfield Here I come!”

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Inspiration from Friends with a Passion

Hello! Fabulous Tuesday Morning is it not?! What could a 40 something mother of teenagers do to warrant roses? I can not answer that question because I do not know the answer, but I have roses. My beautiful husband decided Saturday at our local farmers market that I should have roses.

My love, mind, body and soul connection is a thoughtful intelligent man. He has inspired me to reach with him for goals and life. To live a life together that we create together. How inspired can that make one to know you have a partner in life that supports me and walks with me?

I have carried a lot of hurt, anger and sadness with me for a very long time. I have dwelled in it as though it was my castle. This weekend though was an eye opener. The child that I have held so much grief anger and hatred for, the person I thought I would cut to pieces with an evil tongue of revenge contacted me. We of course are no longer children and what happened on a playground in my youth is finally put away.

How does one put away 30 plus years of anger and hate? Well in this instance it was not me who put down the sword and chose and olive branch it was my perceived nemesis? She contacted me with no memory of the event I had carried for over 30 years. I told her how I felt how it affected me and she handed me back love. The love of friendship she and another friend from grammar school have shared with me and helped me put all that anger away.

They have reminded me of whom I was, who I truly am. I am not the woman carrying hate and anger. I am the girl full of passion, life, and true acceptance of people. The one person I had not accepted was me. My two grammar school mates shared with me what I meant to them. That my passion, my goodness was what they remembered. I almost lost who I truly was to depression.

So this Tuesday morning I grab my torch lit with passion and love. I climb to the tallest mountain and I chant across the valley and the world. Thank God for the release of all anger from my soul. Thank God I am me. Thank God for bringing my two friends back to me. Thank God for showing me for reminding me who I truly am.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Good Sunday Morning!

Do you smell the dawn of a new week? I do my life is changing. My mood is changing. I am in full celebration of life. I am enjoying being a wife and a mother.

The doctors have not changed my medication and there has not been a magic breakthrough in my recovery. My attitude is the main change and I have begun a vitamin and exercise plan. I have also set a date to quit smoking.

So today is the beginning of a week of promise and hope. Join me in my http://discovervitalitynow.wordpress.com I will continue to share my ideas and plans there.