We are riding through
this morning. Missouri
Near the end of my teenage life, probably the climax of a journey that started in my pre-teens, I ran away from home to
I was given a promise of total acceptance and love. Instead I found myself with the active monster inside me victoriously raising its head and dooming me with a life long battle over mental illness. I have blocked most of what happened here, but I do remember strangers trying to deal with young girl who was saying and acting crazy. Moberly, MO.
I have lived my life being told, “don’t do this do that”, “your wrong”, “you will fail if you complete that idea”. I listened to these well meaning folks. I knew my mind was not right and I listened trying to grab a hold of sanity knowing the voices in my head were evil and would lead me the wrong way. I valued others opinions more than I valued my own.
I am finding though if I battle the ghosts and monster of my mind by concentrating on something that makes me happy. I can get the upper hand on the bad thoughts and control them somewhat. This morning when I announced this post I was hit with a response of your wrong. “You have it all wrong.” My heart sank. I respect the person that made the comment and apparently they realized how that comment would affect me and deleted it. I still got the comment though on my phone. Deleting from face book does not delete the text. I appreciate that and I thank you for deleting your comment and letting me continue.
My effort to be happy is a conscious battle to control my thoughts. To grab a hold of what is truly mine and possess it instead of my thoughts possessing me. Last night I went to bed before Don. I was thinking of the success and pride of the job I had done that day helping him with straps and strap protectors. Suddenly out of a half asleep state I am shook by the image of me falling from the trailer and Don accidentally running me over with the trailer. I feel the fall. I see the tire and the darkness as it begins to travel over my head and then the void as my head pops like a dropped watermelon. This is the full color images that pop into my head. No matter how ludicrous the situation, Don would never move the truck with me on the back of the trailer.
This is one of the many visions that can pop into my head. Usually it does not involve me sometimes it involves those I love. Sometimes it is something I said that keeps playing over and over in my mind something I wish I could take back. Sometimes it is a pain a loved one has been through that I was unable to stop. Other times the vision is of something catastrophic I am helpless to prevent but will alter the life of those I love forever. These are terrifying full color sound images that plague me through out my days.
Somewhere in the darkness of my mind is a voice that says. You’re a failure. Your are never going to succeed. Stop trying. You never do the right thing. This voice torments and plagues me also.
I am under a doctors’ care and Don sends me a lifeline when he sees these self inflicted wounds are too deep for me to handle. He is my safety net. HE loves me. Last night someone said to me I am too hard on myself. They are right I am. I am more critical of myself than anyone else could ever be.
I have made a decision. The prescribed medication helps to calm and silence the images. I have seen counselors, doctors, psychiatrists, and institutions to battle this. Now I am listening to myself and my husband. Right now I reach for him when the incidents begin. We are adding happy imagery. When the evil begins I am going to try and move my mind to a happy thought. So far this has worked for the most part and I am hopeful with practice my ability to do this will increase.
I write 5 positives every morning. I continue using tools I have picked up along the way. This is a united and conscience effort by us to battle a life long ailment. I am making an effort to be happy.