The Effort to be Happy

We are riding through Missouri this morning.

 Near the end of my teenage life, probably the climax of a journey that started in my pre-teens, I ran away from home to Moberly, MO. I was given a promise of total acceptance and love. Instead I found myself with the active monster inside me victoriously raising its head and dooming me with a life long battle over mental illness. I have blocked most of what happened here, but I do remember strangers trying to deal with young girl who was saying and acting crazy.

I have lived my life being told, “don’t do this do that”, “your wrong”, “you will fail if you complete that idea”. I listened to these well meaning folks. I knew my mind was not right and I listened trying to grab a hold of sanity knowing the voices in my head were evil and would lead me the wrong way. I valued others opinions more than I valued my own.

I am finding though if I battle the ghosts and monster of my mind by concentrating on something that makes me happy. I can get the upper hand on the bad thoughts and control them somewhat. This morning when I announced this post I was hit with a response of your wrong. “You have it all wrong.” My heart sank. I respect the person that made the comment and apparently they realized how that comment would affect me and deleted it. I still got the comment though on my phone. Deleting from face book does not delete the text. I appreciate that and I thank you for deleting your comment and letting me continue.

My effort to be happy is a conscious battle to control my thoughts. To grab a hold of what is truly mine and possess it instead of my thoughts possessing me. Last night I went to bed before Don. I was thinking of the success and pride of the job I had done that day helping him with straps and strap protectors. Suddenly out of a half asleep state I am shook by the image of me falling from the trailer and Don accidentally running me over with the trailer.  I feel the fall. I see the tire and the darkness as it begins to travel over my head and then the void as my head pops like a dropped watermelon. This is the full color images that pop into my head. No matter how ludicrous the situation, Don would never move the truck with me on the back of the trailer.

This is one of the many visions that can pop into my head. Usually it does not involve me sometimes it involves those I love. Sometimes it is something I said that keeps playing over and over in my mind something I wish I could take back. Sometimes it is a pain a loved one has been through that I was unable to stop. Other times the vision is of something catastrophic I am helpless to prevent but will alter the life of those I love forever. These are terrifying full color sound images that plague me through out my days.

Somewhere in the darkness of my mind is a voice that says. You’re a failure. Your are never going to succeed. Stop trying. You never do the right thing. This voice torments and plagues me also.

 I am under a doctors’ care and Don sends me a lifeline when he sees these self inflicted wounds are too deep for me to handle. He is my safety net. HE loves me. Last night someone said to me I am too hard on myself. They are right I am. I am more critical of myself than anyone else could ever be.

I have made a decision. The prescribed medication helps to calm and silence the images. I have seen counselors, doctors, psychiatrists, and institutions to battle this. Now I am listening to myself and my husband. Right now I reach for him when the incidents begin. We are adding happy imagery. When the evil begins I am going to try and move my mind to a happy thought. So far this has worked for the most part and I am hopeful with practice my ability to do this will increase.

I write 5 positives every morning. I continue using tools I have picked up along the way. This is a united and conscience effort by us to battle a life long ailment. I am making an effort to be happy.   

Clarity of a New Dawn

I am seeing things a little differently. This afternoon finds me more settled and not as mixed up emotionally. Don and I have been working together. Our routine helps me and now it seems we are turning another corner. I seem to have gained some clarity. A long turned off switch seems to be getting fixed. Maybe I can begin to put all the pieces of me back together.

During this long bought of illness I kept repeating that I was in pieces. I was and partially still am. There are remnants of me lying about, but I don’t think I am going to pick them all up. I think some of them I am going to leave on the floor.

The plan I laid out to Don and asked his help to put me back together seems to be working. My feelings still run amuck at times, but the images and ghosts are dissipating. I did wake up the night before last pitching canned foods at my ex husband, but Don got control of me and I went back to sleep. Trust me pitching cans at a person is much easier to deal with than a ghost or imaginary spirit.

I think I have the why me’s so badly I just couldn’t get back up. I choose to let it all fall apart around me and cop out on life. I have to be fair to me though, what I have been through gave cause for a little craziness. I am writing this from my brain instead of writing it from the seething, bleed hole in the middle of my chest. My heart is healing.  

So maybe my writing and my logic will come back to me and this blog will develop and soar. I know one thing I have learned. I will never judge anyone else for being sick when I can not see the ailment. Being struck with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Depression taught me that lesson. I did not look sick on the outside I looked fine, but inside I was a wreck. I could not function for any real period of time. I did not look sick to me so I chastised myself. I called myself weak, I felt like a failure, but I just couldn’t do anything different at the time. It was a horrible place to be.

I am climbing back up from years of depression. I know better than to expect things to go straight and narrow. I will have ups and downs but I hope as each one passes I become stronger and better able to deal with each new day. 

Hidden Purpose

We are traveling through Arkansas on I 40. We have been through Tennessee, Georgia, South Carolina, back to Georgia through Alabama and Mississippi now Arkansas. We have had a busy week. Now we are listening to oldies music and I am trying to catch up on my blogs. I also need to do some editing and work. 

Not that I have a big ego or self-esteem as it is but I am feeling a little useless in this life. I know I should not feel that way. I am here to keep Don healthy and happy. I am here to listen and advise my children I have purpose. I should not feel otherwise because it is true my life has purpose.

Sometimes that purpose gets a little lost in the hours of darkness my mind dives into. I am learning though how to control that darkness and that control involves Don. He has tools to bring me out of my darkness and into the light again. He is my lifeline. He moves me back to sanity when I am lost.

My purpose sometimes is hidden though from others and I must seem like a rock around Don’s neck to some. I am not though I have a purpose in our mutual lives. I am transitioning from a frightened depressed woman to a creative happy and fulfilled woman. I am beginning to see my triumphs.

Could it be that after taking care of everyone else most of my life I have gone through the past few years to sort it out. I am beginning to feel better, happier, and my creative self is blossoming. So here I go to work bringing my stories and characters to life. Will I find who I am hidden in a character? I do not know but we shall see. 

Lessons

My lessons are not easy to take sometimes. My level of conscious understanding just is not what it should be. It can take me a few seconds longer to grab the meaning of a sentence than it does others my age. Do not even let me go on about younger people. Their reaction time is much quicker than mine. The comparison would be lightning to turtle speed.

I know that a lot of my comprehension reductions is my status as hard of hearing. A friend of mine can read lips unbelievably quick, we are the same age, but that skill has eluded me. I can not hide my hearing trouble from others because my mind does not process the lips quickly. The words get lost in the movement.

Learning as I go and working with Don on a daily basis has helped. My confidence is growing in the realization that I am not useless or dumb. I have not lost my mind or my abilities to function completely. The only time that I loose those two assets is when I choose to feel sorry for myself. Therefore I keep trudging ahead hoping and looking for a good today and a better tomorrow.  

Daily Positive

My ever-expanding capacity to love enables easy forgiveness of myself and others. I recognize and celebrate the divine life in all of creation.

http://www.unitedcentersforspiritualliving.org/weekly/

I have been working really hard and developing my capacity for love. I have really been working on self-love. I am really good at self-blame and loathing. I poor so much of my self worth into situational circumstance instead of truly valuing myself as a human being, I blame me for things I have no control over.

I have no control over my children’s arguments. I should not blame myself for their conflicts, but I do usually. I feel bad and responsible for the unwillingness to listen and be kind to each other. Their feelings and fights though I have no control over. While working to love myself I have discovered that their quarrels are not mine. If they choose to fight and fuss it is their problem not mine. I know the world is easier to deal with if we let others be and quit micro-managing. Maybe that lesson comes with maturity.

I am not biting the bait to blame myself. I am in this moment standing tall that their quarrel is not mine. They can work it out. I love them both I love me and we will move forward from here. 

Happy Birthday Kayla!!!!!

Kayla Green my beautiful daughter is 15 today. Oh Happy Day! My little girl is becoming a beautiful young lady. I am so proud of her and her maturity. She is smart, full of common sense and charm. She is sincere in her friendships. Her heart is strong yet fragile. She has compassion and wisdom. What else is there to do but to celebrate this remarkable young ladies Birthday!.

I love you Kayla,

Mommy

The Reality of Emotional Eggshells

The reality of emotional eggshells is my current position. I am on the verge of tears or laughter, screaming in pain or sitting quietly at peace. This is not an unusual place for me I spend a lot of time in this position. I am happy in my life, but I squirm in pain for the losses. I can not seem to let them go.

I have had several joyous and beautiful experiences. The birth of my children and the unconditional love I receive from them. The great loves of my life and my passion for them keep me happy. I can laugh and be funny. I can entertain with my humor and I can make fun of myself without hurting myself. Now that is an accomplishment.

The losses though overwhelm me. The pain I can not release. Every night when I lay down to begin to sleep the losses haunt me. My heart and soul leaps and cries as the images begin to fill my mind. I become restless and cry with the deep anguish within my chest. Sleep is not my friend or at least getting to sleep is not my friend.

My conscious hours find periods of these same haunting emotions, but the constant change of scenery I am currently living helps to refocus my thoughts to the positive. Don is beginning to catch my periods of being haunted and can diffuse the energy very well. I have to let him sleep and rest. I try so hard to keep still and quiet when it is time to sleep so he can get rest. Traveling in an eighteen wheeler his rest can mean the difference between life and death.

I have found that if I create a story or fantasy within my mind and concentrate on it I can eventually get to sleep and the haunting images and thoughts are put at bay for the night. There are a few times that I wake us both up fighting swinging violently, kicking, screaming. Poor Don fight to control me to keep himself and Mia from getting hurt. So the good or happy story I concentrate on does not always stay with me through out the night.

I know all of this is a direct result of my mental health. I am beginning to lose hope that it will ever be any different for us. I can not remember not fighting the demons of my mind. Will I ever win? Will I ever be able to let it go?

Now do you see why I am on verge of such opposite emotions? The girl must be mad!

Confession, Tears and Hope

We are not sinners; we are not lost souls; we are not destitute; we are not on the road to hell. We are Divine Beings, already in the Kingdom of God, and the Kingdom of God is at hand. It is here, in us, but we must awake out of the apathetic sleep of our own delusions into the glorious recognition that we are in that which we aspire toward. All that the Father has is ours, now.

Excerpted from A Holmes Reader on Change by Ernest Holmes, edited by Rev. Carol Sheffield and Kenneth T. Lind, RScP, published by Science of Mind Publishing.

            Good Morning my friends. Yes it is Monday. Guilt was not my friend on Sunday. Don helped me through it after I had a panic attack in a truck stop. Not the best place to have a panic attack. If there is a good place, anyway I cried a lot yesterday and those tears seem to have helped me so much.

            Confessions to Don seem to be my thing right now. I am telling him a lot of things about me how I feel and what is going through my head. When I try to bottle it all I end up in those panic attacks and nervous jumpiness that makes us both miserable.

            The confession and tears yesterday was the guilt of losing my mind during my children’s pre-teen years and still dealing with it now. I don’t understand why I had no common sense, no reasoning skills and absolutely no patients during that vital time of their lives. I don’t understand why when my children need discipline as teenagers and a mother that can provide that discipline and guidance I can not be the mother they need. Do you understand the guilt I carry?

            After a good cry, I believe I have let it go for now. Secretly tough I worry I am damning myself to hell. The shortcomings of my human soul pushing the envelope towards eternal damnation, thanks to the fire and brimstone church of my early childhood I worry about this too.

            This morning though I came online and courtesy of my subscription to Science of Mind Publishing the above quote was in my inbox. There is always hope and I can change my hell on earth, be the best mother I can be and move forward and be happy. Wow.

Waking up in Thought

I am certain many of you may wake up to not necessarily a dream, but a thought. This happened to me last night. These instances were dreaded by me at one time. I usually woke up thinking of dreadful things or bad omens. Last night I woke up thinking of a solution. A possible solution to a place I have been stuck in.

I believe most of you know that while in the deep despair of my chronic depression I began writing a fiction story. It is a metaphor of how I felt my life was at the time, my past and where it was going. I became stuck because as I passed through the past and the present I had no idea where the future was headed.

Last night when I woke the answer was clear. I can not tell the future.  I am not a psychic or a fortune teller or a gypsy.  I do know where I have been. I believe that this story needs to be told. Because it represents my feelings and how I arrived at this place and time. The answer now clear to me is to review my manuscript and publish it as a novella.

I will keep you posted as the evolution of this project progresses. I must first send the rest of this piece to my proof reader and move forward from there. I am excited and I am so happy to finally have an answer that fits.

New Mexico

Last week we traveled through New Mexico. I was overwhelmed with my future and although I took pictures I could not post or blog about them. The beauty of New Mexico I was able to enjoy but I just could not concentrate a positive attitude to give New Mexico and eastern Arizona the positive post it deserves. So with a positive attitude here is my post of pictures and words to describe the beauty.

From 2011-07-28

The contours and colors of the New Mexico desert left me speechless at times. I know that seems unlikely but it is true.

From 2011-07-28

I discovered New Mexico loves art. The populated cities were covered in art work visible from the truck. I did not take pictures of the cities. I am not a fan of the mark of humans. I do not take many pictures of mans marks. I did take pictures of the Bronx as we passed through.  That though has nothing to do with the beauty of  New Mexico and eastern Arizona.

From 2011-07-28

From 2011-07-28

From 2011-07-28

From 2011-07-28

From 2011-07-28

From 2011-07-28

A rain storm was coming.

From 2011-07-28

From 2011-07-28

Rain causes desert flooding.

From 2011-07-28

From 2011-07-28

Beautiful clouds.

From 2011-07-28

From 2011-07-28

I have many many pictures of New Mexico. I am ending this blog here. I promise to share more as our journeys continue. 

No Permanent Address

That is right I have no permanent address. My home is now an 18 wheeler. This was not an easy decision and I have been keeping this reality a secret until I could talk to my kids. This change caused by economics is a nightmare, but it is also a chance to start over financially and emotionally.

The nightmare is leaving my children with their father. My children’s father is being the best he can be and I am happy for that. IT makes my situation easier and he is there for our children and he understands our financial situation. He knows stability and security are better for our children than the reality of the limited stability we have to offer. My children understand that as well.

These changes will enable me to be a better parent. My children will actually have the authentic me more often with this change. This past year they have watched me rally against my mental illness. They have watched me succumb to the stress of it as well. My daughter having to raise herself because her mother can not get out of bed and refuses to leave the house, my daughter has pulled me up made me get dressed and go to the store for food one too many times. She has had to take care of her Mother, when I should have been taking care of her. I would allow the stress of not answering the door, phone or opening the mail too cripple me.

Now we have a chance my children and I. Don and I can get out of debt. Don has taken over the finances. I will continue writing and working with him. Maybe without the stress of our financial life I can actually finish and publish my stories. I have resources to being published I just need to finish a story. Maybe that will happen for us. So as we open a new chapter in our lives and begin this trip to mental and financial health I can express my authentic self with no permanent address.