Monday, October 24, 2011

E Book Publishing

If you’re a fan of E books and love the ease of downloading a book to your Kindle, I pod or computer then E books are for you. If you enjoy a good novel and love the feel of a book in your hands this article is for you too. The publishing game has changed with the onset of the internet and the multitude changes in all industries in the past 20 years. The markets have widened and some have become very narrow also. In years of old a writer went to school gained life experience wrote their novel, found an agent then left things to the publisher to do. Such as submitting the book to relevant publishers and marketing the writer. I know this is very simplistic there were other routes and detours but that was basically the scheme of a writer’s world. Today’s writer finds a very different world indeed. First a beginning writer can self publish immediately in the blog world. Build a website write your stories push publish and walla you’re a published writer. The game though gets trickier when the writer decides to go after the bigger fruit. The first novel your work pours on to the pages your mind is pressed you edit and create. Then one day it is done. Now what do you do with it. Leave it on your hard drive. Print your volume and hard store it in a box in the attic or do you go public. I choose public. There are several reasons I choose to publish my book, but the one that was the driving force is I have a dream. I found upon researching publishers, agents and the publishing game that it is not easy to open doors. I have a limited formal education. I did not graduate college from an Ivy league school nor do I have any formal writing honors. I am basically a no body, just another wanna be writer knocking on the doors of publishers. I was not going to get anywhere fast. Just because I had no following and nothing special to entice a publisher to read my book, (If only they knew right), this isn’t about me or who I am nor is it about my book really it is just the facts. Today you have to give them a reason to open your book. The big reason to read someone is money and money is people. Today’s market wants to know folks like you before they take a chance. Being I had a small following for my blog and at http://teresawilkinsonshortstories.blogspot.com and http://teresawilkinsonstoryteller.blogspot.com it was a start but not enough to attract the attention of an agent or a publisher. I had to look at the facts and dig deeper if I wanted my dream to come true. What I did was self publish my first novel as an ebook. I utilized Smashwords.com who sets up an easy to read format for novelist to publish. The directions are easy to follow and user agreement was simple also. The service is free which is wonderful. They do take a percentage of each sale but it is small and again easy to understand. My research led me to Smashwords.com and I am happy with my result. There is still the matter though of marketing. Smashwords.com helps a novelist publish their ebook but marketing is the writers responsibility. My book will be featured in a Premium Catalog and it is featured on their website. The Premium Catalog will bring it to the attention of the major ebook distributors, but the rest is up to me. So here I ask for it. I need my friends support. How you ask? Follow me in one of the following locations. Twitter: @teresaw66 Facebook Page: http://www.facebook.com/teresawilkinson2008 Or http://www.facebook.com/pages/Teresa-Wilkinson-Author-Thoughts-and-Ideas-for-Lifes-Journey/147896948582248 Blog Frog: http://theblogfrog.com/1353300 Of course like and follow my blogs: http://teresawilkinsonstoryteller.blogspot.com And http://teresawilksinsonshortstories.blogspot.com Last but not least buy my book and leave feedback or write a review. https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/teresawilkinson https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/95756 Everything helps if you do one or all of the above follows it all helps. I appreciate anything that you do to help me. Remember if there is another ebook author you appreciate or love to do these things for them. You will help promote our dreams and your friends will appreciate the update of a good book to read.

The Phillamanteca; The Story of Jane

Smashwords - The Phillamanteca The Story of Jane - A book by Teresa Wilkinson
My book is published available in most book formats

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Home Cooking




I miss home cooked food. Now that is not much of a proclamation and some of you are probably scratching your heads going “Huh”, but when you live as we do home cooking is a rarity. Home cooking to us is a delicacy.

We just left Brawly, CA where we visited Don’s stepbrother and his lovely family. We were treated to a home cooked meal. I was in heaven and Don is full, probably close to heaven himself. The company of family and the luxury of being still is amazing.

The day grew to dusk and birds came to roost. Serenading us in songs and chatter it was nice to be overwhelmed with their sounds. Neighborhood dogs barked children playing all the things that make life worth it were about us. Our two year old niece was so precious and having a puppy and her together was funny. Stormy made some mistakes knocking the baby down a couple of times and touching her face with those gigantic paws, but it was amazing how different the pup honestly was with this little human.

Life for us was normal. Okay I know normal does not exist, normal is what you make it. I enjoyed this quiet time. Our time of quiet was not about the food, it was about laughing, teasing, enjoying company telling stories, goals plans our futures.

I want to day Thank you to my Sister and Brother in law for making us welcome and comfortable in their home. I loved it and we both appreciated it so much. 

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Introducing Stormy




A few days ago we were in South Carolina while there we met a young man and his Black Labrador puppy. She was four months old and living in a car with this young man. He was doing his best but in these times sometimes our best just isn’t enough. He gave us his puppy with tears in his eyes, but I think he knew we would take good care of her. He also witnessed the love and attention we gave Mia so he was confident we would take care of his lovely pet. I felt sorry for the previous owner, but I am glad our paths crossed and we were there to help him in his time of sorrow.

Without much further comment here is our new addition Stormy. 



Friday, October 21, 2011


Discovering triggers to my chronic depression is work. It does not matter what it is but if it triggers depression the symptoms are heartbreaking. One of my triggers is isolation. Which in itself is strange when things trigger my depression, I isolate myself. Now I have discovered that isolation builds my depression to dangerous levels quickly, therefore the conclusion would be that although I hid in my bedroom and sought the security of those walls it was not the solution or the comfort I needed. Not a big revelation but a significant one.

Triggers to depression, stress, loss, worry, compulsion, environmental darkness, now isolation, oh and fear. One can not avoid all of those all of the time. Life is stressful it is scary and I am a compulsive perfectionist person. I can avoid most isolation though and I can teach myself not to worry as much. I can also learn to let go and not control. Those of you that are laughing believe me you can learn to let go of things beyond your control.

So although I experienced a small crisis this morning that was dangerous, I learned something. Learning from an experience is a good thing. Don and I learned exactly what this trigger is and now we can adjust. We both saw how quickly it took me down. It also woke us up to my illness is not cured. There will never be a magic cure we both have to take care of each other and adjust. The crisis unified us closer together in the battle against this illness. I also talked to him about it instead of letting it fester and walking out, something I was very good at in my former marriage.

Surviving a crisis and moving forward that is what makes life worth living. 

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Mommy, “That lady did not wash her hands!”




Now let me this up. I am traveling with my children and we have to stop at a public rest area to use the services. While in the restroom we do our business and I am at the sink making certain all hands are washed and dried. Another lady comes out of a stall checks her reflection and goes out the door, without washing her hands. This happened years ago when my children were elementary school age. Both of my children in complete astonishment “Mommy, That lady did not wash her hands!” I am certain the woman in question heard my children’s remark in perfect unison. I made a joke out of it. “Well we do wash our hands. If we see her before we get to the car, remember not to shake her hand.” My children laughed and we went on about our day.

It amazes me, as we travel across the country, how many times I see this. Clean well dressed women leaving the restroom without washing their hands. Why? I don’t understand it at all. Do they believe that since they did not wipe themselves their hands are clean? What about the stall door you just touched to open to either get in or get out of that stall? The door latch, common there are a thousand places in a public restroom to pick up germs.

As time went by one of my children that saw the lady leave without washing her hands is in the bathroom using the commode while I am scrubbing the shower. I notice my child has forearms positioned on knees and hands are free wiggling about playing as a child will. My child then very gracefully hops off the toilet repositions clothes and begins to leave the restroom.

“What about washing your hands?” I ask.

“You saw me I did not touch anything.” Says my child.

“Hmm, first place you should always wipe no matter if #1 or #2, second place we always wash our hands.” I replied. I kept my cool. I stifled my laughter. I kept it all on the low down so to speak.

My child came back with, “why do I need to wash my hands if I did not touch anything?”

I asked my child, “Are you hungry?”

“Yeah”, child responds

“Why don’t you fix you a peanut butter sandwich?” I suggested.

I watch my child turn to go to the kitchen about three steps away I ask, “Are you gonna wash your hands?” My child stops cold.

“Oops” child says.

I did take the opportunity to remind my child why it is good to wash ones hands when leaving the restroom. “What if I had been in the kitchen and made the child a sandwich and handed it to them? Would the child have refused the treat to wash hands first?” I asked.

“No” the response.

“Understand why we wash hands?” I ask.

“Yes” the response.

Now that was the end of that discussion and I never caught my child making the same mistake. I can only hope that all my children wash their hands after using the restroom facilities. I tried to raise them with manners and good hygiene.

Let’s go back to all of these ladies I see in the public restroom. Did their mothers fail or are they ignorant to common sense or manners? What if someone hands them a treat to eat or a cup of coffee before they get back into their car to their antiseptic wipes they have stowed in the car, will they refuse the drink until their hands are properly sanitized?

This is just one of my pet peeves, I suppose. Oh by the way I don’t touch doors in bathrooms upon leaving. I use my backside to push open the door. I don’t risk my family to the person that did not wash their hands. 

Monday, October 17, 2011

Ah Hah Moment Monday!


Realizing

Ah Hah, Moments. I know we all have them. After all of the change of the past month, that snowballed here in the past week. I had an Ah Hah moment I wanted to share. In my last post I mentioned that I had a slight battle with my Chronic Depression after working so hard to get The Phillamanteca; The Story of Jane published. So now here is exactly what happened and the Ah Hah moment that followed or finalized my set back.

Friday night I was exhausted. I could not read, play a game, have a conversation, I was just beat. Crying was about the only thing I could do with success. I missed my kids. I still miss my kids but there are moments where that need to be with them surpass any other need I have. I had a day like that on Friday. I just wanted to be with my kids.

I also had begun bleeding from my kidneys again. Which sent me farther down into the abyss of why me. Finally it came time for bed. I needed to sleep, but it was also one of those nights my brain would not shut up. I couldn’t let go of how we ended up my kids on the west coast and me living in an 18 wheeler all over the United States. How bad I felt about that. The ifs and what happens if I die out here stuff taking over. Will I see my kids again kind of thinking, depression gripping my brain and squeezing.

I began to pray. Now praying is something I do often. I am scared most of the time so prayer lets me release my fears to God and I can breathe for a bit. I always try to end my prayers with “Thy Will Be Done”. Hoping that God will do it my way, but trying to be okay if God does it his way instead and the Ah Hah moment struck.

I began talking to all of my friends in my head. Not only praying but having a conversation with my friends, I talked about my fear in my kidney disease, fear of dying, fear of being sick again and fear of not realizing my dreams that maybe it was just to late. Maybe it was all over.

Do you know what happened I woke up. Yep like a kid waiting for Christmas morning as I was talking to God and everyone else about all of my problems real and not so real I woke up. I had slept all night long and I was well rested. I was ready to work, take care of my daily routine and continue with my life. Some where in facing my fears of letting my mind think or materialize the idea that cancer may take me. I worked it out that it will be okay.

I want to see my kids, I want to see my friends, I want to live a stationary life again. I want to be a successful writer. I am working towards all of those things. I am also taking care of my body the best way I know how. Yes my kidneys are bleeding, Yes I need to see a doctor, Yes things are happening within and outside of my control and this morning I am okay with that. I woke up ready to do what I could and not worry about what is outside my control right now.

That was a miracle. Somehow in my prayer and my discussion I got to a place where I could move on. The Ah Hah moment never fear to discuss anything with God or your friends. You will always be heard. 

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Change Causes More Change

It seems the change in my prominent illness of Chronic Depression has been a good thing. I have come a long way in a very short time. I am learning new coping skills and I am adjusting to change. There has been a lot of change recently all of it good and I learned so much through it all.

 The first big change was Joan Oshaltz of A Bad Marriage Can be Fattening and Rich Beyond My Wildest Dreams, shook me up when she posted a discussion about me in The Redhead Riter-Wity, Intelligent, Addictive Community; I know something about Teresa Wilkinson You May Not Know. Her discussion got me off my creative butt. With the push this discussion began I finally finished The Phillamanteca; The Story of Jane and I published it.

My Novel
 My poor husband had been holding my hand for a long time waiting for me to finish my book. He was amazed that Joan pushing me once finally put the fire under ‘my you know what’. The discussion was fun, but it also made me realize my dream was not going to come true unless I pursued it. It did not matter how much support I had if I was not willing to go forward the book was always going to be on this laptop. With all the encouragement I published; The Phillamanteca; The Story of Jane.

 That was a really big change. I went from thinking am I a writer? To thinking I am a writer. It took a lot of work and research to find the right format. The right company to partner with and understand the publishing market is about. So that is my first excuse for a week of no blogging.

 The second big change was to the blog or blogs I have. I always kept Teresa’s Thoughts and Ideas separate from TA Meadows Short Stories and Stuff. The main reason why was fear. I was afraid that if I let anyone into my story writing I would be rejected. I just could not handle that possibility. Chronic Depression for me has a lot to do with fear. I hide within my disease to keep from having to take chances.

 What I discovered though when the above discussion took place was fear was holding me back and I needed to trust myself and I needed to trust others. I am really good at only showing bits and pieces of myself at a time. Instead of popping out of a cake and saying here I am I tend to mousy into a corner and whisper here I am please look at me, oh no their looking at me, please don’t look at me. Now if you understand that previous sentence you definitely understand how crazy that attitude is, yet you are probably guilty of doing that yourself.

 Publishing The Phillamanteca; The Story of Jane means no mousy Teresa Wilkinson. I can not afford to be her any longer. I have to come to the center of attention jump really high and shout “HI I AM TERESA WILKINSON”. Big change? You bet big change and so scary. Terrifying as a matter of fact, so I joined all my personal blog and my writing blog and I dropped my maiden name. The new URL is www.teresawilkinsonstoryteller.blogspot.com I now shout from the rooftops “I am Teresa Wilkinson the Storyteller.”

 When all of the above changes took place I was excited. I was so energetic and ready to get back to work everyday to finish my projects. There was a downside though. My disease Chronic Depression decided I was doing to well so after the website was complete and the book was published, I had a couple of days of complete exhaustion. I hurt to move, read, write and missing my kids just made me want to sit and cry. I had to take a few days off. This morning I woke up ready to go again.

 Through all of theses things I have learned so much.

 1. No matter how much support and love you have around you. Your dreams will not come true unless you work on them.

2. Nothing worthwhile is easy.

 3. Chronic Depression is probably not going to be cured, but stopping and resting for a little while is a lot better than hiding in bed for weeks or months at a time.

 My big three lessons. There are a lot of other little lessons I learned also, but those are my big three. So have you ever got a push from someone at the right time? Have you ever just went after something after years of wishing you could? How did it change you?

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Appreciation Sunday Blogging and Sharing Opinions and Adventure


I read back through my blog posts and I see a lot of growth. I came to blogging to build my business and although those have gone by the wayside. I am still blogging. I have several blogs. This one Teresa’s Thoughts and Ideas is my first stab in the dark in this fascinating venue. This is the blog that keeps me going I love it. I am my true self here or the first place I ever expressed my true self.

Blogging led to the discovery that I am not unlike so many others. I am unique to me that is certain, but I also have quite a few brothers and sisters out there. Souls that identify with me and my struggles, happiness, fears and momentary bouts of courage or creativity are so welcomed in my life.

Struggling as I have with fibromyalgia and chronic depression has seen me at deaths doorway a couple of times. The hardship of constant pain is behind me now. Life changed and a new direction has been found. To put it bluntly I felt like a loser and a lazy bum in my darkest hours. I felt or believed I should have been doing something, but I could not make myself move and do anything. I Thank God those moments have passed.

My time on the blogs and visiting with different folks from around the world has opened me up to new experiences some vicarious and to encouraged my growth. I am ready now to reach into today and move on. Gone is the darkness of depression and the feelings that my life is over. I am ready to set goals and achieve new dreams.

I appreciate all of my readers. I appreciate all of the comments, words or encouragement and words of doubt. I have learned and grown in leaps and bounds. Thank you for opening me up letting me bleed and letting me heal.

I always thought that fall was a time of death. The end of the year, plants dying, cold returning, it always reminded me of death, so cold and growing colder. I suppose when I dived into depression and illness I thought life was over. It was not fall or a stage of harvest it was death I was never to return. Part of that is true, the old me will not return, I made it through the fall of my life and I am reborn. I am ready to face winter again. The downpour of enriching rains and snow to build me up towards a fabulous spring to spread my wings and fly again leads to a new expression of who I am.

You will see some changes in the blogs as I combine and bring all of my blogs and parts of my personality together during the coming months. My blogging has evolved and I will be working, loving, living and enjoying my new design and world. I hope that you enjoy the evolution of this blog and the incorporation of the others into a new format.

Thank you again for your friendship.


Saturday, October 8, 2011

The Disappearance of Local Establishments And The Affects of Reviews


The Disappearance of Local Establishments
And
The Affects of Reviews

Marlin’s Family Restaurant, Rapid City, South Dakota is a clean friendly environment. Here is the link to the website

This is a chain of 7 restaurants located in North and South Dakota. We went into this establishment without first looking at reviews. I entered a warm pleasant atmosphere. The breakfast bar was clean and the food was hot. Biscuits were soft and flaky and the service was great. What amazed me was their quickness and willingness to serve and make us happy. I will definitely go to this place again during the weekend.

I checked in on 4 Square http://www.4squarebadges.com/ this is a I phone app I use to find local establishments and to find services we are looking for. It saves me time and clears confusion. I also check reviews sometimes to make choices of using a particular business. This morning though I did not use the App.

The main reason I did not was because I could not read the name of the restaurant from our truck. I was hungry and a little out of sorts so I negated the app and took a chance. As I said above the service was great, and the place was clean, food hot and fresh. I was amazed when I went into 4 Square there were 4 reviews, 1 silly and 3 negative completely opposite of my experience.  I left a good review for this restaurant.

This brought to mind though several questions.

1. If I had looked at the 4 Square app before going would I have chosen not to go? There was a Subway that served breakfast next door. If I had read the review would I have chosen to go with what I knew was so-so breakfast than pay extra for a questionable experience?

The answer would have been yes.  I would have directed us away from Marlin’s and taken the breakfast at Subway instead. I would not have enjoyed it just appreciated it for filling a need.

2. Do people give negative comments easier than they do positive comments? How many folks who have a positive experience take the time to comment? Are we the human animal more likely to comment when we are upset?

That will take some thought. I posted this question to my community Thoughts and Ideas for Life’s Journey: Business Reviews


3. How do business reviews affect business? Is the ability to give reviews easily prompting an unnecessary or popular system of negative criticism? Do we only comment when we are upset? Is this one of the many causes of small business failure? Is the comment machine only built to enhance Big Corporate America and destroy smaller corporations, because Big Corporations have the upper hand on social media and the revenue machine?

There are a thousand more questions this whole issue brings to mind. So what is your story do you leave positive and negative reviews?  

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Self-Undiscovered




Who am I? I do not remember a time that I have not asked that question. I have held on to answers. I thought described my discovered self and became who I thought I was to be. Suddenly I look in the mirror much later and see someone else.

            The journey to discover of self has been long. In the beginning, I was a great student and musician. I followed the instructions of my parents, teachers, and sibling with blinding obedience. As a female child, that was my identity. I was a good child, an obedient child. I became the person I was molded to be.

            I grew past this obedient child. I thought I had matured and I developed my rebellion. Looking at it now I was not rebelling at all, what I did was conform to the teenager I was told I would be. I grabbed my vices and ran to the group whose acceptance I wanted. At the end of my romp, I still wondered “Who am I?”

            This pattern of trial and error to find my self undiscovered has followed me through out my life. Now as I approach 40. I wonder again “Who am I?” I know I am a mother, a caregiver, and a nurturer but, "Who am I?" My husbands’ definition of me is lover. My parents’ definition is caregiver. My children see me as nurturer. When I look at the definition my family has for me. I see myself as a fixit person. I fix their problems, organize their lives, and hold their worries, dreams and goals as my own.

            How can I be the matriarch of my family though and be self-undiscovered? I want to know am I capable of leading my family when I do not know myself. The answer must be yes. I have the success record to prove my ability. My oldest is on his own. He is happy and fulfilling his own dreams. My middle child is discovering his way in sports and academics.

            My daughter is my youngest child. She is eight. I am learning that eight is the year of enlightenment for me as a parent. My daughter is fluent in reading and is learning about life with and without my help. I taught my daughter from the beginning to research all the options. My daughter has developed opinions and an answer for everything. I wanted my daughter to know herself and she stands strong in her convictions. Sometimes to a fault, I believe I have put down a foundation that prevents my daughter from being self-undiscovered.   

            As the self-undiscovered matriarch of this small family, I hold myself as successful. As an individual, though I still wonder who am I. My Grandmother would have said that I am borrowing trouble that I am who destiny predetermines. It is my job to accomplish the tasks as I discover them. It is not the place of a woman to decide. As a note, my Grandmother was born in 1904. Her attitude about life is dated, but is there truth to it? Do I not know who I am because I want too much; maybe I should relax and not define myself.  Let destiny define me and relax.

            Maybe I am not self-undiscovered; maybe I am an evolution of destiny. 

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Pictures of Kern County California

Grapevines on the I5 Grapevine in California
Wordless Wednesday
Run Off Gorge near Wheeler Ridge Road in Bakersfield, CA

Pizza Pizza Arvin, CA

Mia's nose are and the slopes of Bear Mountain, CA


Cows raising Dust

Loco Weed

A new Veterans Cemetery Kern County 

My Daddy loved this valley, here it is burnt and the
Do Not Enter Sign
 just fit the seemed fitting

Blurred through the windshield.
Poor Bugs!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Dealing with Lemons in Bakersfield, CA




That is a metaphor. Wednesday found us spending the entire day in Kern County. My home town, environment, the place I was raised. The area was blanketed in Kern County dust and smog. The air quality I am sure was definitely dangerous. The air quality on my asthmatic son being the main reason I moved to Northern California.


This blog entry though is not about air quality. No. This blog entry is about understanding and unconditional love and understanding. When I was a young woman my Grandmother fell ill, her life was ending as mine was just beginning. The mentor and rendered spirit of my unconditional love source was dying. I cared for her and loved her still but she could not guide me as I needed guidance. My relationship with my biological mother was harsh to put it mildly and I was alone in the world without a parent.

I needed a mother. I needed the unconditional love of a mother and God sent me Betty. Betty is the mother of my High School sweetheart. My mother daughter relationship began with Betty though after her son had joined the Army and he and I decided to not be an item. With the demise of the sweetheart relationship somehow his mother Betty and I became Mother and Daughter. Funny things happen.

Betty has continued to be a Mother to me. I affectionately call her my other Mother. She has been my emotional supporter and been there with me through all of the good and bad things that have happened. We lost contact for a time though, her son’s wife became jealous of my relationship with Betty and I backed away to allow her to build a relationship with an actual Daughter in Law.

Betty though has always been my other Mother. Her status in my life has not changed, her opinion of my actions means a lot to me. Her health and well being is my concern and I keep in touch as best that I can.

Approximately 4 years ago Betty suffered a stroke. She is doing well though but there is a change in her cognitive function and she has changed. Being in Bakersfield I contacted her. We talked for awhile on the phone and I brought her up to date on my situation, submitting my novel and my homelessness.

I could hear the non comprehension and inability to understand in her voice. She did not approve of my decision to leave my children with their father. While I am out gallivanting around the United States with my new husband, now I say this that way it is because that is how she sees my decision. I could hear the disapproval in her voice.

It hurt to not have the approval of someone I love, but I also know she has neither idea nor the ability to understand my situation. It is beyond her to understand that my children without their mother are best right now. That sentence and those thoughts are probably beyond many who will read this blog.

During my  depression I feel like the
deposits in this blue room.
My mental illness was screwing my children up. Grades were falling, the stress was high for them and the situation afforded them no discipline. They were running amuck and our situations had reversed to where they were the parents and I was the child. A teenager needs structure. I was so overwhelmed with life I could not parent. My children were being affected detrimentally by my illness.

Given that situation and our financial instability I made a hard choice. I placed them with their father. I am an active participant in their lives, but their step mom is the mom that can enforce the rules and be a mother. Their father is there to reign them in and enforce those rules. There is a consistency in their lives I could not provide.

The benefits of my decision; My son has 5 A’s, 2 B’s and 1 C this is an all time high. He is in a school structured for kids that hate school but want a high school diploma. He is thriving. My daughter who is attending a main stream high school is taking an interest in her school studies and her grades are improving. I talk with them both regularly and we communicate as a mentor and child. I can advice them from a distance, dance in their achievements and be a mother from a distance. I could not do that standing in the middle of their lives. I was too caught up in my illness to be a mother. Now I can think about my words and make them count.

Being a parent is putting your child's welfare ahead of your own. That meant for me not worrying what it looked like and doing what was best for them. It has turned out that I made a good choice. So I have to remember that lemons are sour but lemonade is sweet. Most will not see all the details and now the whole story and see me as a lemon, but those on the inside know my decision made lemonade. 

Monday, October 3, 2011

Hope and Love Fill Me




I have perceived myself to be in a position of no hope. Lost in the echoes of my mind to a state of depression so deep that death seemed a friendlier avenue, I squandered my life. I was unable to move, though not catatonic, I could not write, felt no need or reason to seek the refuge of my fellow humans. I chose to be alone.

Locked inside myself in the darkness of hopelessness, hope found a way into my heart. Hope for tomorrow, hope for today, hope for the memories of yesterday to gain a new life and become better than they seem at the moment. Yes I have hope now. I grab onto it and cling to as a raft in my turbulent waters to recovery.

Delusions of grandeur no longer fill me with disappointment. I am content to have $20.00 in my pocket and the ability to buy a treat for myself. My worldly possessions are housed in storage and a few clothes I keep with me are in need of a laundry mat yet again. I am happy though in this minimalist existence for now. I now dread the day we will stop traveling, but I know the one constant in life is change, I will in time look forward to be stationery.

I evolve with each day. Excitement over took me when as I polished my book and sent it to the first publisher. I calmed myself knowing that a 10 day review period had to pass before any answer positive or negative could be expected. Today I contacted the publisher. Just a gentle reminder of my situation, that electronic communication was best. That I had no permanent address, my contact a senior editor had happiness in her voice. She assured me we would be talking on Monday about my book and a digital format response would be received by me on that day also.

I have hope. Hope to sell my book. Hope for a life of peace. Where bills are paid and money is not ear marked beyond its value. I have hope for plenty of food, warmth and comfort. I have hope to be generous and comforting to others. I have hope that life will be a little easier.

Life is better when hope and love fill your heart.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Good Morning! Celebrate Sunday




Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. 
Buddha

I am so excited this morning. I have a chance to see my cousin whom I have not seen in 30 years. All I can think is Wow!.

My family has a penchant for being anti social. My cousin carries this trait to an all time high. I love him. We share a lot of childhood memories and nightmares together. We both survived and have families, success and trials so it will be so good to see him.

Waiting for him to drive the 100 miles though to the truck stop is killing me. I am a horse biting on a bit this morning. The quote above is something I need to concentrate on, I want to hear how his life is now. What he is doing? How he enjoys his child and the home and life he has with his wife.

Happy Sunday Morning Everyone
He and I do not need to sit and rehash the nightmares of our childhood. We need to move forward and share the happiness we have found and what our hopes are for the future


 So this little blog entry is a reminderto myself to bask in the sunshine of seeing my cousin and celebrate the moment.